Feeling Lost in Motherhood: Strategies for Maintaining a Sense of Self

Thu, 21 Nov 2024 17:52:03 GMT

Many mothers experience feelings of being lost in motherhood. This is not surprising, considering that motherhood is incredibly demanding work. Women develop an identity over many years before having children.

However, motherhood requires selflessly focusing on the needs of another human who is completely dependent on the mother for survival. While this is a mandatory part of parenting, especially during the newborn through toddler stages, it can lead to feeling disconnected from oneself.

Parenting is particularly demanding in modern times, where parenting is not well supported by the community as many do not live close to family, and people are busier than ever. There are four main ways that mothers can prevent feeling disconnected from themselves in motherhood:

1. Lean into Support: Connect with Other Mothers and Accept Help

Motherhood can be a lonely experience. The daily demands of mothering can make it extremely difficult to reach out for help. Many mothers feel pressure to figure motherhood out alone, which can lead to feelings of isolation and alienation. It is important to remember that we all need support.

Connecting with other mothers who are going through similar experiences can provide a sense of community and understanding. Accepting help from family, friends, or a local parenting group can relieve some of the burden and offer the opportunity to recharge and reconnect with oneself. Open your heart to give and receive freely.

2. Have a Clear Understanding of Why You Want to Be a Mother

Purpose creates the motivation to do things that one may not otherwise do. Understanding why you became a mother can help you stay grounded in your identity and family values. How do you want your children to relate with the world? Reflect on what drew you to motherhood and the goals you have for your family.

This understanding can help you navigate parenting challenges with a clear sense of purpose and direction, making it easier to stay connected to who you are beyond your role as a mother. Purpose serves as the fuel of life—don’t forget to fill it up.

3. Accept that Mothering is a Part of Who You Are

In an individualistic culture, sacrifice for others is often seen as a loss. Since motherhood requires significant sacrifice, many may undervalue this role. However, accepting that mothering is a significant part of your identity can help integrate this role into your sense of self rather than seeing it as a loss of who you were before.

Recognize that motherhood can be an enriching and transformative experience that adds depth and dimension to your identity. Embracing this new aspect of yourself can reduce the feelings of disconnection and loss. You are not losing who you are but upgrading to become more of who you want to be. Mothers are

exceptionally important, and our contribution cannot be undervalued. Welcome to this exceptionally powerful role as a world changer!

4. Avoid Comparing Yourself to Other Mothers

Having a clear idea of what type of parent you want to be for your family and what works best for your circumstances is crucial. Remember, comparison is truly the thief of joy. Looking at others can only give us a distorted view of our lives. We often see someone else’s highlight reel or a curated version of their life that they present to the world. When we cannot see the journey or trials that others have endured to achieve their outcomes—or the outcomes they present—we have a limited view of their lives.

Because we know the whole story of our own lives, we may often feel inadequate compared to the imagery of another person’s life. Comparison is not beneficial and can further lead mothers to feel disconnected from their own reality. Therefore, comparison should be avoided at all costs.

Overall, feeling lost in motherhood is a common experience but not insurmountable. By leaning into support, understanding your purpose, accepting the role of mothering as part of your identity, and avoiding comparison, you can maintain a strong sense of self while embracing the demands and joys of motherhood. Remember, motherhood is a journey that can enrich and expand who you are, not diminish it.

Don’t let outdated myths keep you from raising secure, confident, and empowered kids… Download our free guide, " 12 Myths of Parenting Which May Cause Emotional Harm ," to uncover the truth behind common parenting practices that may be doing more harm than good. This insightful resource offers powerful reframes and alternative approaches that honor you and your children, fostering healthier relationships and deeper connections in your home. Get your free guide now and start your journey toward more fulfilling parenting today!

Meet Your Author, Dr. Calvina Ellerbe

Dr. Ellerbe is an award-winning educator, TEDx Speaker, writer, parenting expert, and soon-to-be mother of six children who provide practical insights for parents to develop a fulfilling parenting experience. Her life's mission is to help parents thrive. Her motto is "If we heal families, we will heal the world."

One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent

Mon, 28 Sep 2020 19:52:48 GMT

If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.

Someone will “win” and someone will “lose.”

And while this can be hard to recognize in the moment, power struggles are counter productive when it comes to cultivating a loving, healthy relationship with your child.

Power over dynamics are ubiquitous in our culture. However, when we tap into a larger truth we can see that everyone is divinely worthy of their own thoughts, emotions and experiences.

Yep! Even your kids. When we succumb to the candy of a power struggle, we are diminishing our child’s (the one we’d gladly dive in front of a bus for) self-worth, inner authority and ultimately, causing separation in the relationship through an erosion of trust.

While the stakes of this seem small when children are young, this can lead to really negative repercussions when these little cuties turn into big cuties. Teenagers who aren’t in communication with their parents about big challenges make poor decisions.

However, when trust and communication strategies are established early, there is an unshakable foundation that your child knows they can rely upon. They will come to you. Even when things are hard.

This is not a case for permissive parenting.

Clearly, we are charged with teaching our children to behave in acceptable ways, and to embody the values that we hold dear. I’ve learned that this is far more effectively done through conscious communication and emotional demonstration than the old “power over” ways that most of us were parented.

When my kids were little, I was a HUGE fan of the show “Supernanny.” She relied on a punishment and apology frame. Time outs were the relied upon method of bending a 3-year old to your will as a parent. (I personally loved the show because it made me feel like other people were way worse at this parenting thing than I was, and I wasn’t particularly confident in my skills at the time.)

I implemented her methods with gusto.

You will put on your shoes, or else….

You will eat your broccoli, or else…

You will NOT hit your sister, or else…

Time out.

The deal was your kiddo was supposed to sit there for the number of minutes as their age, then apologize. If they didn’t apologize they had to sit there for another round.

I knew that this method wasn’t going to work the day my 3-year old son sat on that step for well over an hour (you do the math). But then… even worse, he wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the afternoon.

I’d damaged our relationship in the name of control, and I vowed I would never do it again.

The key is to learn to be an authoritative parent that sees, understands and respects the individual experience of your child. When you communicate clearly, and are willing to own your own emotional experience, while allowing this little human to own his or hers, you can be in a powerful cooperative relationship.

Power struggles will sometimes (rarely) be necessary. So save them for when they count.

fransesca-cervantes

Feeling Lost in Motherhood: Strategies for Maintaining a Sense of Self

Meet Your Author, Dr. Calvina Ellerbe

One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent

If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.